I'm sorry for everything,
I brought it upon myself, im to blame.
Hello, today was a super terrible day but afterall, bb still made it better at the end of the day. Today post will be kind of dramatic but to me , it's a lesson learnt. I kept crying ever since i met bb. Bb didn't said anything neither did he even show me alittle bit of that corcern. So my tears just couldn't stop flowing down because i can sense it's gona be the end of everything. I shall start posting about it from the start of everything.
Today midnight, the feeling was already there but both of us choose to keep quiet about it and hoping things would get better after that. Slept for only 4hours and woke up at 8am+, train to boonlay to meet bb. On the train, carrying a smile hoping everything would be alright later on and bb will be able to help me get rid of those feelings i'm having.
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Met bb and we hardly talk, all i was doing is crying beside bb. Hoping bb would show me alittle bit of that corcern, but never did i expect. All he do was sleep , and completely ignore me. Was feeling so sour, and i really want to cry out at that point of time. So while crying silently, Reyne brother called me telling me about his problem and i couldn't help it and i started crying non-stop and tell him i'm feeling the same way as what he is feeling. Had a short talk , and i decided to hang the phone and be alone.
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Decided to talk to bb about what's going on between us. He claim that it was me who is thinking too much, maybe i really did. Stop chatting for alittle while, continue crying. I can't really remember what happen in between after that. Skipskip, somwhow, bb finally told me what is he thinking , and he told me his feeling faded and is indirectly asking me a breakup because he thinks that it's unfair for me.
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Left bb for alittle while, hoping bb would come and look for me. Expectation leads to disappointment. Bb didn't came to look for me afterall, was alone crying like a idiot at the void deck. I really wanted to leave, but i'm afraid i'll regret. So called bb up and talk to him again about what's going on and what should we do about it. All he said was "i don't know" . Junlong called me, rant everything to him and really cried non-stop.
After that, headed back to bb's home and talk to bb about it again, we had countless talk and at the end of it. Bb told me he wants a breakup , at the point of time i really went crazy and don't know what to do to salvage this relationship because bb gave me that kind of feeling that he don't love me anymore and nothing gona change the awful fact anymore. I really did thought of letting go and giving up. But thinking back about the awesome time we had together really gives me a very bad heartache.
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Still, manage to get bb out and had a talk again with bb. Hoping bb would give me a chance to mend everything that i've done wrong. Intend to have a time out after that, but somehow we manage to patch things back but it's going to be in a slow and steady way and it's gona be really difficult to get back the same old feeling. Things get slightly better while chatting with bb and i'd a super bad gastric pain because i didn't ate anything at all. Bb mum made me hot milo and it feel so much better. Chitchat with bb and bb's friend, everything seems to be back to what it is but is that the case ? I really don't know. I don't wana think about it also, just gona let things be what it is.
All i know now is i've learnt my lesson and i finally know what bb is feeling all the long. I should have trusted bb and stop thinking negatively, but i believe all this im feeling because i really am afraid to lose bb without knowing what's going on. So yesh, now all i've to do is get back bb's feeling .
Fuck lah, i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about anymore. I've lost track about what i wana say. I've finally realise how important bb is to me right now, but it's too late now. Really regretted not treasuring bb from the start. I'm just too afraid to get hurt again most probably thats why i tend not to get too devoted in this relationship. I'm sorry.
I'm really trying my best not to think the negative way and closing one eye about the way bb is treating me now. All i can hope is, things would get better each day, our one monthsary is coming in 2more days. :) Hahaha!
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Wil be going to malaysia for a one day trip with family tomorrow. Guess i'm just gona take this time and think about what i should do and maybe also a time for us to really think about what we should really do.
I let my boyfriend see the weakest part of me today. Perhaps , i can't give him the future, but i hope i can give him a awesome memories in the future. :) I love you bb, i'm sorry and thanks.
@ 11.50pm.
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